When the news came, I remember just feeling cold.
I was at my desk, and popped over to Facebook for a few minutes. I noticed that my friend Tim's page had several condolence notices on it. Tim was in the movie business, and had seen several of his friends and colleagues die, sometimes in workplace accidents (he was a special effects expert) or in other, equally unfortunate circumstances.
As I read on, though, I started to panic. Then I felt dizzy. Then... I don't remember.
It was Tim who had died. He was 48 - exactly a month shy of his 49th birthday. In fact, the last time we'd seen each other was on my 50th birthday in March.
I called his partner, Janet. It wasn't true. It couldn't be Tim. They'd just bought a house together. We were neighbours again, for the first time in 25 years.
He died at home, enjoying a quiet backyard barbecue with Janet. A massive coronary, and he was gone before he hit the ground.
My head was spinning. I didn't feel angry at first. I felt confused, bewildered, just sort of... cold and numb.
I realize now what my reaction was: I was in shock. I've never had that reaction before, but now I know what it feels like. I hate it.
I wandered out of my office, sought out two colleagues (one of them a university classmate of Janet's), and began sobbing. I couldn't reach my wife immediately, which made it much, much worse.
The next few days are a blur. I cried more than at any other time in my life. My parents are still very much alive, for which I'm grateful. We all secretly (or not so secretly) expect to bury our parents and grandparents. Although all of my grandparents are gone, I've been relatively lucky in this regard.
Until now.
I've been checking my Facebook page even more obsessively than usual. I suppose some small part of me hopes that someone, somehow, will be able to prove that none of this really happened.
I don't want to eulogize Tim here. There's a lovely obituary, penned by his sister, that does that here.
What I want to say is that I suddenly feel older. I'm not ready for this stage of life - the stage when you have to consider who's left.
Yes, some good came of it. I got to know Tim's amazing family better. And I felt supported by my wife, our kids, my extended family and my other closest friends. I'm incredibly lucky to have them in my life.
But my life now seems... diminished. It seems suddenly shorter, and feels like I have less reason to laugh.
I'm not ready for this.


